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Thursday, February 20, 2014

Stuck In A Gutter

I have never been great at idioms. I coined this one a few years ago and decided I was going to own it.

Plus, it has been very fitting as of late. I have ideas and lists and good intentions, all good things and great when feeling them all at once. However, I seem to be missing one crucial component to make any of those truly effective. The sad part is I can’t even think of what that would be. I know they say pregnancy causes all sorts of forgetfulness to come about, and I have definitely fallen victim to it.

It may also be that my list is way too long. Having a big life-changing event just on the horizon, it’s impossible to not have a list of “must-do’s” before the life-changing occurs. I know all you naysayers are thinking “if its truly important it will get done, otherwise oh well!” Well to that I say NAY! Lots of very important things don’t get done, and the result is added stress and chaos for yours truly.

So perhaps I am letting the stress get to me. I want to carry on and do all the things, and at the same time I just want to sit at home with a cuppa and play video games. To which I am a little embarrassed to admit, but it is what it is.

Work is taking off and life is building a momentum I have never had to deal with before. Self-doubt is continuously surfacing reminding me that all I do is rubbish and I should just go back to playing video games. For the first time since I was in school I am feeling the pressure of deadlines and following through on things.

Its amazing. And exhilarating. And I absolutely love it.

But I also fear that just as things “are starting to happen” for me I am waiting for it all to crumble with this huge life changing event that could literally happen at any moment.

So this may be crazy, and a great unleashing of pent-up stress and worry, but it is hard to keep pressing forward when the future is such a great unknown.

I know a few things for certain. I know I love my job and I want to keep doing it. I know I love my children and want to be the best darned mother I can be. I know babies are exhausting and time consuming. I know I want to blog and be bold and take some risks. I know I love tea and video games.

And somehow writing this has made me feel better. If I do manage to make it through this week without tears shed, it will be an accomplishment indeed. So far so good!