Writing has always been something I’ve loved doing. However, as my biggest critic, I don’t believe that my “hobby” of writing will ever amount to anything. But there is a small, tiny, little spark nestled within me that hopes I can write something that will inspire someone, or at least make them smile.
This is not to say I haven’t dreamed of writing a best selling novel but reality can be harsh [even harsher in my mind]. If you know me at all, you’ll know that I tend to be a little reserved, more than a little awkward, and quite the introvert. For me, writing is my best form of communication. I’m not saying that I am a great writer by any means, but in terms of communicating, it is easiest for me to share my thoughts in written form. Particularly when I can post it on this blog and pretend that no one reads it. [who knows...]
My fear and own self criticism has kept me from pursuing and accomplishing many of my goals and dreams. From a young age it was a dream of mine to study at Stanford [apparently when I dream, I dream big]. When it came time to request applications I, of course, requested one from Stanford. I poured over the brochure and application, meticulously filling out every detail. When it came to the essay portion, I choked. I knew that whatever I wrote would not be good enough, and with one rejection letter all of my hopes and dreams would be finished [I may have a dramatic flare...shhh] Instead of taking a leap and trying, I just didn’t do it. I justified it by saying that I didn’t want to waste money. After all it is an expensive application to submit just to be rejected...
Allowing myself to fall into defeat, I only submitted one college application and that was to Payap University, 20 minutes from my house. Now, I’m not sharing this because I regret that decision. Truly I love my life and where I am at now, and all of the experiences I was able to have because of that decision. What I regret is how easy it was for me to doubt myself and give up so easily on my dream. This will be an ongoing struggle for me, but is one I am choosing to continue fighting. If I do that by sharing my thoughts once a week on the internet, then that’s what I’m going to do.
I want to believe that I am capable of so much more, as well as inspire others, inspire my son, to work hard and fight for what they want.
Or as Rowling would put it:
“It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live”